KISS – Gene Simmons Drives Car Off Cliff In Malibu

***UPDATE: This story is fake. Gene Simmons is still alive and ready to sell y’all more KISS collectibles!

Rumors of the legendary KISS co-founder’s alleged demise first gained traction late Friday after a ‘R.I.P. Gene Simmons’ Facebook page attracted nearly one million ‘likes’. Those who read the ‘About’ page were given a shocking account of the American icon’s passing at 67 years old. It read:

Gene was test driving a new sports car that he ultimately planned on buying from this swanky Malibu luxury motors dealership and when he was driving his $180,000 ride home he swerved to miss hitting a man jogging in a pink sweatsuit. That person just so happened to be Richard Simmons, longtime fitness guru. Both Simmons’ found themselves in a death match where only one would make it out alive. Gene, being the world’s worst driver, spun out his vehicle in the intersection going 90mph and his car was launched off a cliff into the ocean. The mangled remains of the rock hero who somehow in his delusional mind claimed “Rock music is dead” (yet made million$ of dollars each year doing what? PLAYING ROCK MUSIC!!!) then washed up onto the shore only to be run over by a lifeguard truck.

(Pictured: The Remains Of Gene’s Lambo)

“At about 11 a.m. ET on Thursday (April 20, 2017), our beloved musician Gene Simmons passed away. He will be missed but not forgotten. Please show your sympathy and condolences…”

RIP, Demon!

Born Chaim Witz on August 25, 1949 in Haifa, Israel, Gene Simmons first decided he wanted to be in a band while in middle school, after watching girls scream at The Beatles on TV. He was in several bands before co-founding KISS with Paul Stanley in the 1970s. Simmons later pursued interests in fashion, publishing, and acting, and starred in the A&E reality TV show Gene Simmons Family Jewels.

The lifeguard that ran Gene over on Paradise Cove beach commented on the tragic accident:

“I feel like a total asshole. How the hell was I supposed to know that pile of busted up flesh and large amounts of dyed black clumps of hair was the Demon from KISS? I should have known when I ran over the carcass that it wasn’t a dog. His waterlogged cell phone rang to life and the ringtone was the song “Strutter”.

Twitter immediately lit up with the hashtag #GENEISDEADNOTROCK that began trending around the world, and some of rock and Hollywood’s biggest names left their respects in emotional tweets:

“Gene not only taught me how to make a shitload of money resting on the laurels of my band’s earlier success in rock.. but he also proved to everyone that even ugly people can pretend they get laid a lot. But it all comes back to his fantastic business mind. I mean, come on… when was the last time KISS actually wrote a hit song? See, exactly… yet they kept filling arenas and selling ‘invisible guitar strings’ when he was twice as old as the competition. The man was a damn genius!” – Scott Ian (ANTHRAX)

“God bless, Gene. May he rest in peace. Or should I say ‘pieces’.” – Gilbert Gottfried

“I never liked the sonofabitch. And if I didn’t attend Spock’s funeral, what makes you fucking think I will show up to Gene’s?” – William Shatner

“One time when I was first jamming with Ozzy, Gene came into my dressing room before a concert and tried to sell me some KISS trading cards for twice their value. So I told him to get the fuck away from me and slammed the door in his face. What a jerk!” – Zakk Wylde (BLACK LABEL SOCIETY)

“I always wanted to be Gene Simmons until I actually looked at him when he was not wearing his sunglasses. Not winning! But I will say this about the man he could remove chrome off a trailer hitch with the tip of his nine inch tongue!! Godspeed, brother!!!” – Charlie Sheen

Source: Media Mass

http://www.kissonline.com/

Media Mass was launched in late October 2012. Based in China, the site describes itself as:
“the medium of our satire to expose with humour, exaggeration and ridicule the contemporary mass production and mass consumption that we observe.

Also it will not only mock the producers (mainstream media, journalists) as it is common when questioning and criticizing mass media, but also the consumers as one cannot exist without the other. Sensationalism, lack of verification of information, ethics and standards issues are only symptoms of the actual social and economic order. This is particularly obvious when observing the role of social networking sites in spreading rumours.”

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